Emotions get the best of me. These letters come so easily. Problems steady testing me. Left or Right echoing heavily. What to do it never seems. To get an answer I believe. So I write what I want. I put it out and move on. But I don’t see who I hurt. With my easy written word. Take it back I cannot. So I won’t write it. I will not.
The hand turns slowly, with the ticking of the clock
Every tick a reminder, of a painful thought
Each hour goes slower, I begin to tap my pen
Quiet in the dorm, only sound the Southside wind
I need to go home, I can’t stay here anymore
I’m falling apart, I was not like this before
Thinking again, why don’t these thoughts decrease
Tapping of my pen, has constantly increased
The sound of the clock, is now blaring in my ear
Shoots pain to my jaw, the end is not quite near
Few more hours, I have to make it through today
A couple more dollars, for the bills that are not paid
Reaching for the end, but there’s not one I can see
Tomorrow do it again, live in constant misery
So I watch the clock, waiting for the time to reach
The seventh hour, that my life is finally free
But the hand turns slowly, with the ticking of the clock
Every tick a reminder, of a painful thought
Sometimes daily routines are the hardest to appreciate. You usually wake up in the morning. Think of what responsibilities you have for the day then you get ready to take it on. You go to work. You work hard in a job you probably don’t always agree with. You think about the family while working and what you need to do for them today. You think about what to make for supper and any kind of entertainment for tonight that might be on the menu. You usually do all this while still putting up with all the crap you get from work. Someone has to take care of the family.
Then when you get off work you have to give yourself to the family. You pick them up from school. You take them to practice or lessons. You give their friend a ride home. You help with homework. You ask about work or school. You make supper. You do dishes. You pick up the house. You give and you give. You don’t do this for anything in return. You do it because your heart says it must be done.
You do all this everyday no matter how your day goes. Now I know we all have days where we don’t give 100% but we always give the max we can. This can get exhausting and repetitive. Day in and out. Always sacrificing and always moving forward. Some days you might be done. You might wanna throw in the towel and just lay in bed and never come out. But you dont. You cant. Sometimes you build up some resentment about it all because no one understands your stress. I can tell you personally when you get here. You need to step back. Step back and look at what you have. Your job might be stressful but it feed their stomachs. Your friends might not call as much but your family talks to you everyday. Your personal time might be smaller but their time away from you will grow longer and longer.
Then one day you will wake up and it will just be you. You will have all the time in the world and you will probably think how nice it would be to have one more busy day taking care of the family. One more day where they needed you every moment of your day.
When life has you busy it’s hard to stop and appreciate your happiness. Even if it’s just a tiny bit. Take time to appreciate that the stress you have is only because of the love you wanna give. Hold your family close. Tell them you love them. Tell them you will do anything for them and do it for them now. For one day they won’t need you as much.
Over the last 5 years I have become someone who I never thought was possible. I always thought I would be someone with a shitty dead end job always scraping by. Vehicles that are on their last legs and food stamps just to fill our bellies up at night because we had no money. That’s not me anymore. I started working harder then ever before. I went from one job, to having three jobs then back down to one job. I went from a job where I had no idea how many hours I will have to a full time job where I always know what I’m bringing home. It was a huge change. A drive inside me lit up and I wanted it all. I wanted my family to have everything I never thought was possible.
The past 8 months have been the largest change. A new job opened up a world to me I thought was never available. The light at the end of the tunnel got brighter day by day. I was able to do more for my family who have sacrificed so much while I worked hard to make ends meet. I can finally give them what I wanted to. It’s a beautiful feeling. To be able to show love to your family. To be able to look at them and see the smiles on their faces when you’re out to eat at dinner or watching their excitement as you tell them we can actually take a vacation. Just to appreciate them for standing by your side. All because you personally decided that you were going to give them the world.
The only reason this was possible was because I decided to change myself. I decided my family deserves better. I decided I was done with scraping by. I decided that the old me wasn’t enough. It was exhausting most of the time. Sometimes it seemed impossible. Yet, here I am, a changed man and I’m still changing. I’m not done yet.
Change can be a great thing. Be willing to accept it and adapt to it. Sometimes it’s not easy. Sometimes it’s not the change we want. But you will adapt and YOU will become new from something old.
I’ve been trying to get my mind straight lately. It seems to be running back and forth between two opposites. I don’t know which one to hold onto. Either way both are toxic for me. I keep taking the high road in my situation and doing the “right” things. I don’t think that is really a thing anymore. It seems like the more and more I give credit, the more and more I go in debt. I wanna be able to be rash and just explosive but I have to hold back. I don’t think that’s fair. It’s not fair to always be the most rational person. Everyone else gets to make decisions and do what they want but I don’t get that luxury. No matter how hard I try I just can’t pull myself to do what I want to do compared to what I need to do. Now you might say I’m just being smart and dealing with this effectively. However I feel like I’m bottling up anger and frustration and guilt instead of letting it go. It would almost be better to have regrets for my actions now then to just keep my head high. I wanna hang it low. But I wont. I won’t because that’s not me. Instead I’ll continue doing what I do. I’ll just be me.
In life you make choices. Some easy some hard, some sad and some happy. How you react to those choices and the action you implement from them is what will define your character.
I called you today to say I’ll be late,
I got held at work with the schedule you hate,
I know these new hours have not been so easy,
I’ve been grinding so hard I mostly stay sleepy,
It’s not easy for you to wait all alone,
For me to show up back at the home,
You wait and you wait hoping I come,
And then when I get there I’m silent and numb,
Stress has me aching and sleep has me drained,
You didn’t ask for this but you still remained,
I thought I was doing the best for our team,
I’m sorry that this didn’t follow your dreams,
So ill hang up the phone I know you’re not there,
I’m sorry you waited for me to be there.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like,
To be a star up in the sky at night,
High above the world hanging so distant,
Surrounded by darkness yet I still glisten,
To not need the sun to shine my way,
For I had my own light, I had my own day,
I could look down at earth and see all the life,
Looking at me as I shined bright in the night,
And maybe just once when my time was up,
I could race across the sky turning to dust,
And in my final moment you would watch as I go,
You might wish upon me as I travel and glow,
I would grant it for you if it was up to me,
One last promise one last deed,
Oh how I wish I could become a star,
So the distance between us wasn’t so far.