I don’t know who I am right now. I thought I was a great guy. A giver, a leader, a healer, and a lover. Yet i keep coming back to feeling like a loser. I am extremely confident. Not stuck up confident, but definently a strong confidence. To someone who wasn’t so sure of themselves I could see this as a strong difference but I always have compassion. I never forget that some people don’t think like me or at my speed. I understand that some people can’t think as abstract like I can or see all the pieces and where they go. I understand people are different.
I feel some people don’t understand that I’m also just human. I cant always be my bubbly personality. I do get frustrated when I’m going over and over the same thing and they aren’t picking it up. I get grumpy when I have to work harder and do more then others because they don’t understand or have the ability to do what I can. However I don’t ever dwell on our differences. I accept them and all the obstacles that come with them. I implement this thinking into everything I do.
It literally rips my soul apart and crushes me when I hear that I didn’t try. It’s a thought that gets in my head and bounces around until I can’t feel happiness anymore. How could I be a bad person? How could I have not cared? Am I just lying to myself about the kind of person I am? Am I a horrible person that I disguise as a great one? I don’t even know how to figure that out. I can’t love more. I can’t care more. I can’t try more. I’m literally at my end and I have nothing to hold onto except these ideas that I am everything I don’t want to be.
I wanna take all the blame. I wanna shove it deep down inside me to where it will never leave. That way I’m reminded of who I don’t wanna be. So blame me. Put it all on my shoulders. I’ll carry the weight. You don’t deserve to carry anything. I don’t care anymore about happiness as much as I care about truths. So I will just control my life into what I want. I’ll beat myself up for the things I fall short on. I’ll control my destiny. I’ll control my life.