Sober

It has been a rough road. For those who have been reading my blog you’ve probably noticed how my emotions and thoughts keep cycling as I process my new life. Some days I take smaller steps then before but I keep going. I guess that’s what it’s like to get sober. You just have to walk away and keep putting distance between you and the rush it gives you.

There were days I relapsed and couldn’t stop the return of all the memories as they flooded my mind and clouded my judgement. There were days I would of gave up all my new hopes and dreams for one more minute with my addiction.

I stayed strong. I thought logically and clearly. I let my heart heal while I used my frail mind to navigate through this time. There was a time I stopped Prozac. I realized quickly that was a mistake. So i started again. Now I sit here wondering if I need it or not. I guess the hardest thought to comprehend is wether my mind is ready to take care of itself or if it’s even capable. I’ll know soon enough.

I don’t know what the future holds for me anymore. I don’t know if I’ll get another shot at love to consume like a top shelf liqour. I don’t know if I’ll finally just be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’ll be happy. I don’t know if I’ll be depressed.

I made a goal when I started this blog to reflect on what I accomplished with it in 30 days. April 9th was that 30 day. I have done over 30 blogs. Some were fun, some were depressing. There were some I didn’t share because I didn’t seem it necessary, but I still wrote them and saved them. There were some i shared and i thought i shouldnt be so open. This has been a good journey. It kept me vulnerable and available instead of bottling it all up and looking away.

It won’t stop here but I might start to move on from blogging as much about my thoughts and feelings and maybe blog more just about daily life. I don’t know what I’ll do.

What I do know is I wanna thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your day to check on me. To see the world through someone else’s eyes is a wonderful gift. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I helped you realize that we aren’t so diffrent you and I. We all have problems. We all make mistakes. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. I love you. Even if I don’t know you please take some of my love and make it yours. It’s the only thing worth actually sharing in this cold hard life.

It’s been 30 days since I’ve started this blog, and 30 days since I’ve started on Prozac. I’ve been 30 days sober from my high on love. This isn’t rock bottom anymore. This is the climb.

Volleyball

This weekend my daughter has volleyball regionals. It’s always been a great time. Finishing the season strong and with good friends is always the intention. This year has been great. The team has been amazing and these regionals have been great. Everything around me has been postitve and inspirational.

Only problem is I feel like I’m missing something. Everytime I take a moment to think I feel a little lonely. It’s hard to keep positive when I’m at such a negative moment in my life.

Tomorrow we finish strong. Whether we win or lose all that matters is we were here. We did this. There is a moment in out life where this happened.

I will keep this memory with me. To remind me that even if I’m not ok, everything can still be ok.

Twisted

Why are some things so hard to process. One moment you’re feeling great and then the next your back to thinking your whole world is gone. Maybe it’s my battle with depression. I will get such a clear outlook on my situation and then just a few words can bring it all crushing down. It is making me tired always cycling these feelings. Even though everyday I get closer to my new goals everyday emotionally I reset to the beginning. I am not emotionally getting better. I know it will take longer then a month but I feel like I should have made some progress.

I guess if I really take a look at the picture it makes sense why this will take longer. I mean I am processing differently then what I have done in the past. At least I have this blog. Where I can go back and forth with my emotions in real time. I can have a happy post then a sad post. Because that’s how life actually happens. It twists and turns with the ups and downs. If you think life is all sunshine everyday then you are in for a surprise.

Life is all about making the most out of whatever shitty day you got dealt.

Confusion

I don’t know who I am right now. I thought I was a great guy. A giver, a leader, a healer, and a lover. Yet i keep coming back to feeling like a loser. I am extremely confident. Not stuck up confident, but definently a strong confidence. To someone who wasn’t so sure of themselves I could see this as a strong difference but I always have compassion. I never forget that some people don’t think like me or at my speed. I understand that some people can’t think as abstract like I can or see all the pieces and where they go. I understand people are different.

I feel some people don’t understand that I’m also just human. I cant always be my bubbly personality. I do get frustrated when I’m going over and over the same thing and they aren’t picking it up. I get grumpy when I have to work harder and do more then others because they don’t understand or have the ability to do what I can. However I don’t ever dwell on our differences. I accept them and all the obstacles that come with them. I implement this thinking into everything I do.

It literally rips my soul apart and crushes me when I hear that I didn’t try. It’s a thought that gets in my head and bounces around until I can’t feel happiness anymore. How could I be a bad person? How could I have not cared? Am I just lying to myself about the kind of person I am? Am I a horrible person that I disguise as a great one? I don’t even know how to figure that out. I can’t love more. I can’t care more. I can’t try more. I’m literally at my end and I have nothing to hold onto except these ideas that I am everything I don’t want to be.

I wanna take all the blame. I wanna shove it deep down inside me to where it will never leave. That way I’m reminded of who I don’t wanna be. So blame me. Put it all on my shoulders. I’ll carry the weight. You don’t deserve to carry anything. I don’t care anymore about happiness as much as I care about truths. So I will just control my life into what I want. I’ll beat myself up for the things I fall short on. I’ll control my destiny. I’ll control my life.

I’m sorry for not being what I thought I was. I was me. No more no less. I’m sorry I’m not good enough.

Fire

I once had a dream about a fiery devil. Who was bright red like a sunrise and hard as a metal. I watched as it walked alone on this earth. Engulfed in the flames of its own burning hearth. I looked at its core It’s heart did not beat. I looked in its eyes and it looked at me. I could feel it’s presence right to my soul. It got in my mind and I lost control. As I looked in its eyes it all became clear. It was fueled by rage and consumed by fear. Never a moment did the devil waste. It told me it’s secrets, it stated it’s case. It whispered so softly to bring me near. As I went in closer, I started to fear. The power of this devil so strong and convinced. But the power of this devil did not make sense. It had so much anger bottled inside. But as we stood together it had nothing to hide. I tried not to judge and give it a chance. I reached out my hand and asked it to dance. The devil smiled softly and said that it can’t. I was shocked and confused as I took back my hand. It was then that I noticed that this devil of mine. Held back a tear in the corner of its eye. Time has not been kind and life has been unfair. I saw all its truths it wasn’t aware. That through all the flames and pain in its path. It was still just an innocent with a dark wrath. Because when I look at you I only see me. So I see in you everything that you can be. Don’t worry for now time is forever. There’s no reason for haste we can do whatever. I will play with fire while it plays with fate. I will try not to get burned by its intense flames. For I have been this devil before. It is now my time to be so much more. Take caution I will as the devil passes through. For in its wake a storm will brew. A small reminder of what was once there. A devil of kindness and one that was fair. If it gets to hard I will just open my eyes. And forget this dream and forget these lines. But I will never forget you. You are me and I am you.

Awake

Eyes wide open like the speed of a gun.

What time is it? Why is there Sun?

How long have I slept? Did I get enough hours?

Do I have time to still get in the shower?

I was sleeping so deep why did I wake?

Is it because I am almost late?

Pick up my phone what does it say?

I’ve only been sleeping for two hours today?

How can this be? I need my sleep.

This is so abnormal for me.

Try to shut my eyes but my brain starts to run.

I toss and I turn but I’m surrounded by sun.

No comfort I find in these pillows of mine.

Nothing to ease the pacing inside my mind.

I open my eyes and I accept my fate.

Another day where I stay awake.

Listen

Have you ever felt like you were too busy to really hear the people around you? Like when you’re trying to cook supper and you have three different pots on the stove that you need to stir while also cuting veggies and you have somone trying to tell you about their day. You listen but your also listening to the pots boil and the slicing of the veggies. You might say “that’s good” or “uh-huh”. While not really listening to what that person is saying. You’re just focused on getting supper made.

The problem with this is how the other person feels. They were trying to share with you their life and you were too busy to accept it. I am horrible at that. I really try to listen, but my mind is all over the place. I don’t know how many times someone has tried to talk to me while I was cooking but I didn’t have time to listen. I was to busy preparing a meal for my family. I have missed out on a lot of great content. Conversations I will never get back. We could of ate 10 minutes later and it wouldn’t of been a problem if I would of just turned down the stove and listened. If I would of just made them a priority.

To listen to someone, is to tell them they are important. That their life, their day, their situation matters. If you listen to them you are loving them and caring for them. Share your time with your loved ones. Turn down the stove, shut off the vacuum, turn the game off. Open up your ears and let their life into your life.

Listen to them today or miss out on them tomorrow. I am listening now, I won’t speak. I will just listen.