My heart beats louder like the clatter of horse hoofs on a concrete road. Constantly picking up speed but staying rhythmic in its beat. My hands start to warm and bead up with microscopic drops of sweat between each digit. There’s a sudden wave of heat rolling down from my ears to my legs bringing with it a sensation of burning from the outside in. While the hairs on my neck start to stand at attention as if they are waiting to be called upon individually. My lungs start to expand faster and faster pulling every bit of oxygen it can from the room like the air is getting thin.
And then it stops.
My hands relax and become as still as a calm summer day. I start to breathe normal and I can feel my whole body depressurize in an instant. The relief that comes over me is bittersweet. This is just a small fragment of reality that has paused for me to become more aware of the situation. It is permanent like a rose freshly picked from a garden. So beautiful and so much potential but cut short by being snipped from its home. It unravels to display it’s brilliance to only wilt and turn dry.
The moment fades. The rose falls crumpled to the floor gathering dust quickly. Reminding me that time will fade everything.
I breathe. I breathe again.
It has been a rough road. For those who have been reading my blog you’ve probably noticed how my emotions and thoughts keep cycling as I process my new life. Some days I take smaller steps then before but I keep going. I guess that’s what it’s like to get sober. You just have to walk away and keep putting distance between you and the rush it gives you.
There were days I relapsed and couldn’t stop the return of all the memories as they flooded my mind and clouded my judgement. There were days I would of gave up all my new hopes and dreams for one more minute with my addiction.
I stayed strong. I thought logically and clearly. I let my heart heal while I used my frail mind to navigate through this time. There was a time I stopped Prozac. I realized quickly that was a mistake. So i started again. Now I sit here wondering if I need it or not. I guess the hardest thought to comprehend is wether my mind is ready to take care of itself or if it’s even capable. I’ll know soon enough.
I don’t know what the future holds for me anymore. I don’t know if I’ll get another shot at love to consume like a top shelf liqour. I don’t know if I’ll finally just be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’ll be happy. I don’t know if I’ll be depressed.
I made a goal when I started this blog to reflect on what I accomplished with it in 30 days. April 9th was that 30 day. I have done over 30 blogs. Some were fun, some were depressing. There were some I didn’t share because I didn’t seem it necessary, but I still wrote them and saved them. There were some i shared and i thought i shouldnt be so open. This has been a good journey. It kept me vulnerable and available instead of bottling it all up and looking away.
It won’t stop here but I might start to move on from blogging as much about my thoughts and feelings and maybe blog more just about daily life. I don’t know what I’ll do.
What I do know is I wanna thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your day to check on me. To see the world through someone else’s eyes is a wonderful gift. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I helped you realize that we aren’t so diffrent you and I. We all have problems. We all make mistakes. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. I love you. Even if I don’t know you please take some of my love and make it yours. It’s the only thing worth actually sharing in this cold hard life.
It’s been 30 days since I’ve started this blog, and 30 days since I’ve started on Prozac. I’ve been 30 days sober from my high on love. This isn’t rock bottom anymore. This is the climb.
This weekend my daughter has volleyball regionals. It’s always been a great time. Finishing the season strong and with good friends is always the intention. This year has been great. The team has been amazing and these regionals have been great. Everything around me has been postitve and inspirational.
Only problem is I feel like I’m missing something. Everytime I take a moment to think I feel a little lonely. It’s hard to keep positive when I’m at such a negative moment in my life.
Tomorrow we finish strong. Whether we win or lose all that matters is we were here. We did this. There is a moment in out life where this happened.
I will keep this memory with me. To remind me that even if I’m not ok, everything can still be ok.
We all have limits. There’s just some things we can not do. For some those limits could be physical like not being able to walk a mile. For some those could be mental like not being able to adapt in a crowded environment. Everyone has limits. We try our best to push our boundaries but they are still there. Sometimes we do widen our area of influence but mostly when we are younger. It seems like the older you get the more your limits don’t get challenged as much.
My biggest insecurity in life is my physical well being. I have never really taken care of myself. I have always taken care of others. I think in part it is so I didn’t have to challenge myself. It’s easier for me to care of someone then it is to put in effort into making me better. I push my limits mentally and emotionally all the time wether I want to or not. Sometimes I’m forced to deal with emotions that are without my limits which further strengthens myself. However I never do the hard work. I never take the walk. I never try the push up. I never do a jumping jack. I spend my whole life using mental and emotional strengths of mine while depressed and burdened about my current state of physical condition.
Not anymore. I have nothing to myself anymore. I’m not saying I don’t have positive people around but I have nothing of mine. I only have me now. No one is going to take care of me. No one is going to worry about me late at night. No one except me. So with that I have started a diet. I don’t really like that word because I in no way am eating healthy but I am recognizing every bite I put in my body. I am recognizing how much I consume compared to activity level. I am recognizing that I want change. Every day i look in the mirror and I see a little more of the person I want to be. I see a little more of me.
This road will be difficult and painful. It’s not going to be easy. However this road will only be pain on the surface not the pain deep inside that I’m use to dealing with. I’m excited for this next step. I look forward to pushing my limits and making new goals. I’m anticipating a renewed love of myself for being just a little bit more of a better person inside and out.
Don’t let your limits stop you. Push them back until you break. If you feel like you can’t go on. Just take one more step and you will already of made it further then you ever thought you could.
Why are some things so hard to process. One moment you’re feeling great and then the next your back to thinking your whole world is gone. Maybe it’s my battle with depression. I will get such a clear outlook on my situation and then just a few words can bring it all crushing down. It is making me tired always cycling these feelings. Even though everyday I get closer to my new goals everyday emotionally I reset to the beginning. I am not emotionally getting better. I know it will take longer then a month but I feel like I should have made some progress.
I guess if I really take a look at the picture it makes sense why this will take longer. I mean I am processing differently then what I have done in the past. At least I have this blog. Where I can go back and forth with my emotions in real time. I can have a happy post then a sad post. Because that’s how life actually happens. It twists and turns with the ups and downs. If you think life is all sunshine everyday then you are in for a surprise.
Life is all about making the most out of whatever shitty day you got dealt.
I don’t know who I am right now. I thought I was a great guy. A giver, a leader, a healer, and a lover. Yet i keep coming back to feeling like a loser. I am extremely confident. Not stuck up confident, but definently a strong confidence. To someone who wasn’t so sure of themselves I could see this as a strong difference but I always have compassion. I never forget that some people don’t think like me or at my speed. I understand that some people can’t think as abstract like I can or see all the pieces and where they go. I understand people are different.
I feel some people don’t understand that I’m also just human. I cant always be my bubbly personality. I do get frustrated when I’m going over and over the same thing and they aren’t picking it up. I get grumpy when I have to work harder and do more then others because they don’t understand or have the ability to do what I can. However I don’t ever dwell on our differences. I accept them and all the obstacles that come with them. I implement this thinking into everything I do.
It literally rips my soul apart and crushes me when I hear that I didn’t try. It’s a thought that gets in my head and bounces around until I can’t feel happiness anymore. How could I be a bad person? How could I have not cared? Am I just lying to myself about the kind of person I am? Am I a horrible person that I disguise as a great one? I don’t even know how to figure that out. I can’t love more. I can’t care more. I can’t try more. I’m literally at my end and I have nothing to hold onto except these ideas that I am everything I don’t want to be.
I wanna take all the blame. I wanna shove it deep down inside me to where it will never leave. That way I’m reminded of who I don’t wanna be. So blame me. Put it all on my shoulders. I’ll carry the weight. You don’t deserve to carry anything. I don’t care anymore about happiness as much as I care about truths. So I will just control my life into what I want. I’ll beat myself up for the things I fall short on. I’ll control my destiny. I’ll control my life.
I’m sorry for not being what I thought I was. I was me. No more no less. I’m sorry I’m not good enough.
I’ve been moving on the best way I know how. Lately I’ve found myself trying to revert to past ideas. I need to continue moving down the road I haven’t traveled and doing the things I haven’t done. It’s hard to continue trying to break old habits. Some days I’m just too tired to even try. I have been continuing to go the right path but it’s taking a lot longer then I expected. I guess that’s how life goes. You can’t just reach out and grab the goal. You actually have to work for it. It would be nice if I could just fast forward for a bit and get there quicker. I hate waiting. I like instant gratification. Usually I regret it afterwards. I guess that’s what I’m trying to change about myself. Here’s to the new me.
I stumble and I fall. Picking myself up and dusting myself off is my greatest ability. I can do this.