Sober

It has been a rough road. For those who have been reading my blog you’ve probably noticed how my emotions and thoughts keep cycling as I process my new life. Some days I take smaller steps then before but I keep going. I guess that’s what it’s like to get sober. You just have to walk away and keep putting distance between you and the rush it gives you.

There were days I relapsed and couldn’t stop the return of all the memories as they flooded my mind and clouded my judgement. There were days I would of gave up all my new hopes and dreams for one more minute with my addiction.

I stayed strong. I thought logically and clearly. I let my heart heal while I used my frail mind to navigate through this time. There was a time I stopped Prozac. I realized quickly that was a mistake. So i started again. Now I sit here wondering if I need it or not. I guess the hardest thought to comprehend is wether my mind is ready to take care of itself or if it’s even capable. I’ll know soon enough.

I don’t know what the future holds for me anymore. I don’t know if I’ll get another shot at love to consume like a top shelf liqour. I don’t know if I’ll finally just be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’ll be happy. I don’t know if I’ll be depressed.

I made a goal when I started this blog to reflect on what I accomplished with it in 30 days. April 9th was that 30 day. I have done over 30 blogs. Some were fun, some were depressing. There were some I didn’t share because I didn’t seem it necessary, but I still wrote them and saved them. There were some i shared and i thought i shouldnt be so open. This has been a good journey. It kept me vulnerable and available instead of bottling it all up and looking away.

It won’t stop here but I might start to move on from blogging as much about my thoughts and feelings and maybe blog more just about daily life. I don’t know what I’ll do.

What I do know is I wanna thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your day to check on me. To see the world through someone else’s eyes is a wonderful gift. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I helped you realize that we aren’t so diffrent you and I. We all have problems. We all make mistakes. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. I love you. Even if I don’t know you please take some of my love and make it yours. It’s the only thing worth actually sharing in this cold hard life.

It’s been 30 days since I’ve started this blog, and 30 days since I’ve started on Prozac. I’ve been 30 days sober from my high on love. This isn’t rock bottom anymore. This is the climb.

Volleyball

This weekend my daughter has volleyball regionals. It’s always been a great time. Finishing the season strong and with good friends is always the intention. This year has been great. The team has been amazing and these regionals have been great. Everything around me has been postitve and inspirational.

Only problem is I feel like I’m missing something. Everytime I take a moment to think I feel a little lonely. It’s hard to keep positive when I’m at such a negative moment in my life.

Tomorrow we finish strong. Whether we win or lose all that matters is we were here. We did this. There is a moment in out life where this happened.

I will keep this memory with me. To remind me that even if I’m not ok, everything can still be ok.

Twisted

Why are some things so hard to process. One moment you’re feeling great and then the next your back to thinking your whole world is gone. Maybe it’s my battle with depression. I will get such a clear outlook on my situation and then just a few words can bring it all crushing down. It is making me tired always cycling these feelings. Even though everyday I get closer to my new goals everyday emotionally I reset to the beginning. I am not emotionally getting better. I know it will take longer then a month but I feel like I should have made some progress.

I guess if I really take a look at the picture it makes sense why this will take longer. I mean I am processing differently then what I have done in the past. At least I have this blog. Where I can go back and forth with my emotions in real time. I can have a happy post then a sad post. Because that’s how life actually happens. It twists and turns with the ups and downs. If you think life is all sunshine everyday then you are in for a surprise.

Life is all about making the most out of whatever shitty day you got dealt.

Fire

I once had a dream about a fiery devil. Who was bright red like a sunrise and hard as a metal. I watched as it walked alone on this earth. Engulfed in the flames of its own burning hearth. I looked at its core It’s heart did not beat. I looked in its eyes and it looked at me. I could feel it’s presence right to my soul. It got in my mind and I lost control. As I looked in its eyes it all became clear. It was fueled by rage and consumed by fear. Never a moment did the devil waste. It told me it’s secrets, it stated it’s case. It whispered so softly to bring me near. As I went in closer, I started to fear. The power of this devil so strong and convinced. But the power of this devil did not make sense. It had so much anger bottled inside. But as we stood together it had nothing to hide. I tried not to judge and give it a chance. I reached out my hand and asked it to dance. The devil smiled softly and said that it can’t. I was shocked and confused as I took back my hand. It was then that I noticed that this devil of mine. Held back a tear in the corner of its eye. Time has not been kind and life has been unfair. I saw all its truths it wasn’t aware. That through all the flames and pain in its path. It was still just an innocent with a dark wrath. Because when I look at you I only see me. So I see in you everything that you can be. Don’t worry for now time is forever. There’s no reason for haste we can do whatever. I will play with fire while it plays with fate. I will try not to get burned by its intense flames. For I have been this devil before. It is now my time to be so much more. Take caution I will as the devil passes through. For in its wake a storm will brew. A small reminder of what was once there. A devil of kindness and one that was fair. If it gets to hard I will just open my eyes. And forget this dream and forget these lines. But I will never forget you. You are me and I am you.

Garden

I’m planting a garden this year. I’ve planted one for the last few years but this year I’ll do all the work myself. It’s been awhile since I’ve done all the work myself. I don’t look forward to weeding this year. I hate having to bend over every few feet it’s hot out and humid. It’s such a chore. I don’t know why I do it to myself sometimes.

However each year my garden has grown. Each year it’s changed and grew in some way. I have learned how to kill whole rows of pumpkins. I watched as rabbits got fat off my green beans and strawberries. I seen a mole move an entire row of freshly planted watermelon as it searched for grubs. I’ve probably thrown in the compost 37 watermelons, 18 cantaloupe, 5 lettuce, and 6 pounds of potatos. I’m not a good gardener.

There’s something about putting a tiny seed in dirt and giving it a little attention and seeing it grow. Waiting for it to bloom and start to bear its fruit. It’s nice to even see the dirt tilled up and start to gather warmth for the seeds. You always see progress no matter what has gone wrong. A plant may die but another will bloom. A melon may spoil but a tomato will ripe. It’s a search for balance. It makes me wanna be a better gardener.

I am going to do it this year. I will try some new tips. I will plant a better schedule. I will weed a little more often. (Let’s be honest for a second, this will probably be the killer of me) I will do it.

At the end of the day no matter how many complications will arise I will step back and see progress.

Writer’s Block

Emotions get the best of me. These letters come so easily. Problems steady testing me. Left or Right echoing heavily. What to do it never seems. To get an answer I believe. So I write what I want. I put it out and move on. But I don’t see who I hurt. With my easy written word. Take it back I cannot. So I won’t write it. I will not.

Shooting star

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like,

To be a star up in the sky at night,

High above the world hanging so distant,

Surrounded by darkness yet I still glisten,

To not need the sun to shine my way,

For I had my own light, I had my own day,

I could look down at earth and see all the life,

Looking at me as I shined bright in the night,

And maybe just once when my time was up,

I could race across the sky turning to dust,

And in my final moment you would watch as I go,

You might wish upon me as I travel and glow,

I would grant it for you if it was up to me,

One last promise one last deed,

Oh how I wish I could become a star,

So the distance between us wasn’t so far.