My heart beats louder like the clatter of horse hoofs on a concrete road. Constantly picking up speed but staying rhythmic in its beat. My hands start to warm and bead up with microscopic drops of sweat between each digit. There’s a sudden wave of heat rolling down from my ears to my legs bringing with it a sensation of burning from the outside in. While the hairs on my neck start to stand at attention as if they are waiting to be called upon individually. My lungs start to expand faster and faster pulling every bit of oxygen it can from the room like the air is getting thin.
And then it stops.
My hands relax and become as still as a calm summer day. I start to breathe normal and I can feel my whole body depressurize in an instant. The relief that comes over me is bittersweet. This is just a small fragment of reality that has paused for me to become more aware of the situation. It is permanent like a rose freshly picked from a garden. So beautiful and so much potential but cut short by being snipped from its home. It unravels to display it’s brilliance to only wilt and turn dry.
The moment fades. The rose falls crumpled to the floor gathering dust quickly. Reminding me that time will fade everything.
I breathe. I breathe again.
It has been a rough road. For those who have been reading my blog you’ve probably noticed how my emotions and thoughts keep cycling as I process my new life. Some days I take smaller steps then before but I keep going. I guess that’s what it’s like to get sober. You just have to walk away and keep putting distance between you and the rush it gives you.
There were days I relapsed and couldn’t stop the return of all the memories as they flooded my mind and clouded my judgement. There were days I would of gave up all my new hopes and dreams for one more minute with my addiction.
I stayed strong. I thought logically and clearly. I let my heart heal while I used my frail mind to navigate through this time. There was a time I stopped Prozac. I realized quickly that was a mistake. So i started again. Now I sit here wondering if I need it or not. I guess the hardest thought to comprehend is wether my mind is ready to take care of itself or if it’s even capable. I’ll know soon enough.
I don’t know what the future holds for me anymore. I don’t know if I’ll get another shot at love to consume like a top shelf liqour. I don’t know if I’ll finally just be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’ll be happy. I don’t know if I’ll be depressed.
I made a goal when I started this blog to reflect on what I accomplished with it in 30 days. April 9th was that 30 day. I have done over 30 blogs. Some were fun, some were depressing. There were some I didn’t share because I didn’t seem it necessary, but I still wrote them and saved them. There were some i shared and i thought i shouldnt be so open. This has been a good journey. It kept me vulnerable and available instead of bottling it all up and looking away.
It won’t stop here but I might start to move on from blogging as much about my thoughts and feelings and maybe blog more just about daily life. I don’t know what I’ll do.
What I do know is I wanna thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your day to check on me. To see the world through someone else’s eyes is a wonderful gift. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I helped you realize that we aren’t so diffrent you and I. We all have problems. We all make mistakes. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. I love you. Even if I don’t know you please take some of my love and make it yours. It’s the only thing worth actually sharing in this cold hard life.
It’s been 30 days since I’ve started this blog, and 30 days since I’ve started on Prozac. I’ve been 30 days sober from my high on love. This isn’t rock bottom anymore. This is the climb.