Sober

It has been a rough road. For those who have been reading my blog you’ve probably noticed how my emotions and thoughts keep cycling as I process my new life. Some days I take smaller steps then before but I keep going. I guess that’s what it’s like to get sober. You just have to walk away and keep putting distance between you and the rush it gives you.

There were days I relapsed and couldn’t stop the return of all the memories as they flooded my mind and clouded my judgement. There were days I would of gave up all my new hopes and dreams for one more minute with my addiction.

I stayed strong. I thought logically and clearly. I let my heart heal while I used my frail mind to navigate through this time. There was a time I stopped Prozac. I realized quickly that was a mistake. So i started again. Now I sit here wondering if I need it or not. I guess the hardest thought to comprehend is wether my mind is ready to take care of itself or if it’s even capable. I’ll know soon enough.

I don’t know what the future holds for me anymore. I don’t know if I’ll get another shot at love to consume like a top shelf liqour. I don’t know if I’ll finally just be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’ll be happy. I don’t know if I’ll be depressed.

I made a goal when I started this blog to reflect on what I accomplished with it in 30 days. April 9th was that 30 day. I have done over 30 blogs. Some were fun, some were depressing. There were some I didn’t share because I didn’t seem it necessary, but I still wrote them and saved them. There were some i shared and i thought i shouldnt be so open. This has been a good journey. It kept me vulnerable and available instead of bottling it all up and looking away.

It won’t stop here but I might start to move on from blogging as much about my thoughts and feelings and maybe blog more just about daily life. I don’t know what I’ll do.

What I do know is I wanna thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your day to check on me. To see the world through someone else’s eyes is a wonderful gift. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I helped you realize that we aren’t so diffrent you and I. We all have problems. We all make mistakes. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. I love you. Even if I don’t know you please take some of my love and make it yours. It’s the only thing worth actually sharing in this cold hard life.

It’s been 30 days since I’ve started this blog, and 30 days since I’ve started on Prozac. I’ve been 30 days sober from my high on love. This isn’t rock bottom anymore. This is the climb.

Volleyball

This weekend my daughter has volleyball regionals. It’s always been a great time. Finishing the season strong and with good friends is always the intention. This year has been great. The team has been amazing and these regionals have been great. Everything around me has been postitve and inspirational.

Only problem is I feel like I’m missing something. Everytime I take a moment to think I feel a little lonely. It’s hard to keep positive when I’m at such a negative moment in my life.

Tomorrow we finish strong. Whether we win or lose all that matters is we were here. We did this. There is a moment in out life where this happened.

I will keep this memory with me. To remind me that even if I’m not ok, everything can still be ok.

Twisted

Why are some things so hard to process. One moment you’re feeling great and then the next your back to thinking your whole world is gone. Maybe it’s my battle with depression. I will get such a clear outlook on my situation and then just a few words can bring it all crushing down. It is making me tired always cycling these feelings. Even though everyday I get closer to my new goals everyday emotionally I reset to the beginning. I am not emotionally getting better. I know it will take longer then a month but I feel like I should have made some progress.

I guess if I really take a look at the picture it makes sense why this will take longer. I mean I am processing differently then what I have done in the past. At least I have this blog. Where I can go back and forth with my emotions in real time. I can have a happy post then a sad post. Because that’s how life actually happens. It twists and turns with the ups and downs. If you think life is all sunshine everyday then you are in for a surprise.

Life is all about making the most out of whatever shitty day you got dealt.

Shooting star

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like,

To be a star up in the sky at night,

High above the world hanging so distant,

Surrounded by darkness yet I still glisten,

To not need the sun to shine my way,

For I had my own light, I had my own day,

I could look down at earth and see all the life,

Looking at me as I shined bright in the night,

And maybe just once when my time was up,

I could race across the sky turning to dust,

And in my final moment you would watch as I go,

You might wish upon me as I travel and glow,

I would grant it for you if it was up to me,

One last promise one last deed,

Oh how I wish I could become a star,

So the distance between us wasn’t so far.

Am I good enough?

There’s something about always thinking you’re second rate. Never as good. The thought eats you from the inside and takes over every decision. You always think there’s someone better then you. You would think the right thing to do would be to channel the feeling into pushing yourself to be better then before. However no matter how hard you try it’s never enough.

It tells me this won’t work. It tells me not to try. It shapes my decisions and my actions. Some people think I’m the strong guy, the most level headed guy. I’m actually just running from myself. Trying to distance myself further and further from my thoughts but never getting anywhere.

I don’t think I will ever lose this feeling. I don’t know if I want to now.

Maybe it’s easier to accept that you’ll never be good enough, then believe you are and be proven wrong.

Mine

It starts in the fingertips and flows up the hands,

Flows through the arms the shoulders the man,

Straight to the heart it pulses and burns,

Finds itself refuge and solid it turns,

The weight of a moment forever inside,

Nowhere to run nowhere to hide,

Keeping it hidden right out of sight,

Why must this anger forever be mine?