It has been a rough road. For those who have been reading my blog you’ve probably noticed how my emotions and thoughts keep cycling as I process my new life. Some days I take smaller steps then before but I keep going. I guess that’s what it’s like to get sober. You just have to walk away and keep putting distance between you and the rush it gives you.
There were days I relapsed and couldn’t stop the return of all the memories as they flooded my mind and clouded my judgement. There were days I would of gave up all my new hopes and dreams for one more minute with my addiction.
I stayed strong. I thought logically and clearly. I let my heart heal while I used my frail mind to navigate through this time. There was a time I stopped Prozac. I realized quickly that was a mistake. So i started again. Now I sit here wondering if I need it or not. I guess the hardest thought to comprehend is wether my mind is ready to take care of itself or if it’s even capable. I’ll know soon enough.
I don’t know what the future holds for me anymore. I don’t know if I’ll get another shot at love to consume like a top shelf liqour. I don’t know if I’ll finally just be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I’ll be happy. I don’t know if I’ll be depressed.
I made a goal when I started this blog to reflect on what I accomplished with it in 30 days. April 9th was that 30 day. I have done over 30 blogs. Some were fun, some were depressing. There were some I didn’t share because I didn’t seem it necessary, but I still wrote them and saved them. There were some i shared and i thought i shouldnt be so open. This has been a good journey. It kept me vulnerable and available instead of bottling it all up and looking away.
It won’t stop here but I might start to move on from blogging as much about my thoughts and feelings and maybe blog more just about daily life. I don’t know what I’ll do.
What I do know is I wanna thank you. Thank you for taking time out of your day to check on me. To see the world through someone else’s eyes is a wonderful gift. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I helped you realize that we aren’t so diffrent you and I. We all have problems. We all make mistakes. You are wonderful. You are beautiful. I love you. Even if I don’t know you please take some of my love and make it yours. It’s the only thing worth actually sharing in this cold hard life.
It’s been 30 days since I’ve started this blog, and 30 days since I’ve started on Prozac. I’ve been 30 days sober from my high on love. This isn’t rock bottom anymore. This is the climb.
This weekend my daughter has volleyball regionals. It’s always been a great time. Finishing the season strong and with good friends is always the intention. This year has been great. The team has been amazing and these regionals have been great. Everything around me has been postitve and inspirational.
Only problem is I feel like I’m missing something. Everytime I take a moment to think I feel a little lonely. It’s hard to keep positive when I’m at such a negative moment in my life.
Tomorrow we finish strong. Whether we win or lose all that matters is we were here. We did this. There is a moment in out life where this happened.
I will keep this memory with me. To remind me that even if I’m not ok, everything can still be ok.
Why are some things so hard to process. One moment you’re feeling great and then the next your back to thinking your whole world is gone. Maybe it’s my battle with depression. I will get such a clear outlook on my situation and then just a few words can bring it all crushing down. It is making me tired always cycling these feelings. Even though everyday I get closer to my new goals everyday emotionally I reset to the beginning. I am not emotionally getting better. I know it will take longer then a month but I feel like I should have made some progress.
I guess if I really take a look at the picture it makes sense why this will take longer. I mean I am processing differently then what I have done in the past. At least I have this blog. Where I can go back and forth with my emotions in real time. I can have a happy post then a sad post. Because that’s how life actually happens. It twists and turns with the ups and downs. If you think life is all sunshine everyday then you are in for a surprise.
Life is all about making the most out of whatever shitty day you got dealt.
The other day I was having a bad day. Like really bad. I was tired and weak. I was lost. I didn’t reach out to anyone. I just continued as if everything was normal. Searching for every moment of alone time I could grasp so I could sulk in the bitterness of my despair. I was just sitting there alone thinking why do I even exist. Why have i had to endure so much loss and heartache. I hated myself and my life. I hated the choices I made and the choices that were made for me. I did not want this life.
Then in came a stranger. Innocent and naive. Someone who didn’t see my pain. Didn’t feel sorry for me. Offering a small moment of peace in a shattering life. It wasn’t thought out or planned. It was just given out of kindness from a gentle heart. To them it was nothing. To me it was change. In just a small moment I was given a new outlook. A new message to myself.
A stranger made a difference in my life that day by only being kind. They didn’t do it because I looked sad or depressed. They did it because thats who they are. They did nothing more but share their kindness and it changed my life.
Always pass your strangers with kindness. You never know how much that person right in front of you might need it. You may be the last person that has a chance of showing them, that it’s all ok.
I’m planting a garden this year. I’ve planted one for the last few years but this year I’ll do all the work myself. It’s been awhile since I’ve done all the work myself. I don’t look forward to weeding this year. I hate having to bend over every few feet it’s hot out and humid. It’s such a chore. I don’t know why I do it to myself sometimes.
However each year my garden has grown. Each year it’s changed and grew in some way. I have learned how to kill whole rows of pumpkins. I watched as rabbits got fat off my green beans and strawberries. I seen a mole move an entire row of freshly planted watermelon as it searched for grubs. I’ve probably thrown in the compost 37 watermelons, 18 cantaloupe, 5 lettuce, and 6 pounds of potatos. I’m not a good gardener.
There’s something about putting a tiny seed in dirt and giving it a little attention and seeing it grow. Waiting for it to bloom and start to bear its fruit. It’s nice to even see the dirt tilled up and start to gather warmth for the seeds. You always see progress no matter what has gone wrong. A plant may die but another will bloom. A melon may spoil but a tomato will ripe. It’s a search for balance. It makes me wanna be a better gardener.
I am going to do it this year. I will try some new tips. I will plant a better schedule. I will weed a little more often. (Let’s be honest for a second, this will probably be the killer of me) I will do it.
At the end of the day no matter how many complications will arise I will step back and see progress.